on pda

i’m infamously heterophobic.

i have very strong feelings about the delusion we call ‘property’ in general, and particularly, seeing a man get territorial about a woman's body gives me a gut-deep ick. i can't stand it. and statistically, what ‘affection’ we do get to see on public display does tend to be a man loudly announcing “see, that's my girl” in fewer words. i see one more man holding a woman like a prize and i’m gonna throw hands.

but, to be clear, i’m also definitely biased. say hypothetically, i saw a girl perform territoriality in public, then i’m likely to cheer her on with an “own that shit, girl!”

we also do live in a country where come February 14, mobs of bitter incels under the banner of Bajrang Dal will take to the streets to assault any couple in public. and honestly, i wish they'd all just suck each other off to calm the fuck down.

but really, what is pda? why does one, if ever, display affection? what is the message you could be trying to send? affection is always about the person it is shared with. it only becomes ‘public’ when the public cares. to call it display in itself feels like it was named by someone who doesn't believe in affection.

a lot of dating, especially for richer folk- the ones doing most ‘pda’- is about signalling. think of men saying shit like ‘score’ when their friend gets laid. think to neighbourhood aunties gossiping about whether the new bride is pretty enough. from caste endogamy to article 377 the world seems to care a shit ton about who you go to bed with.

vincent dolman, a british photographer who visited india, decided to run a series on a particular phenomenon he noticed in public a lot- indian men tend to hold each other's hands a lot.

where's Bajrang Dal now, man? ye toh gay bhi hai.

"To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex. All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.

Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.”

- Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality

men holding hands is neither constituted as affection nor for display, it is simplified to a function of closeness and dismissed from any introspection as brotherhood.

women laughing together too loudly or just generally having a good time in public is frowned upon and when men consider that invitations into their space, it becomes dangerous.

pda isn't neutral, essentially.

i love checking out guys publicly, explicitly, and performatively. i will make sure everyone in the vicinity sees me lusting after a man's ass. extra points if he's with his girlfriend. extra extra points if he's with his mother.

pda is so hot when it’s queer. because queer politics is about pulling the underbelly of our sexualities out into the light. everyone's bi in private, as a few beers and a safe space are always happy to prove. but god, life gets so exciting when you start finding safe ways to come out.

men holding hands in public is not queer. by definition. it's a cultural normal. it reflects existing standards of safety, public ordering of desire, and by extension, shame.

i wish pride was called shameless bhai. idk if there's anything to be proud about who i go to bed with, like a man with a prize. but there's definitely nothing to be ashamed about. and that's a subtle difference.

pride continues to rely on an outer public life to validate an inner private life. which i think is an artificial distinction. shamelessness on the other hand, values the desire that already inevitably shapes all life, and begs to tear down the walls and echo chambers and empires that shame builds. it refuses capture. by the likes of those sanatanis that pissed all over delhi pride last week, conflating queer pride with national pride.

nationalism is the form of homosociality in this country, whether we're talking about Bajrang Dal or the ‘manosphere’. it starts when two men who want to be closer to each other start a business instead of fuck the heat out. and what can you make-in-india if not a baby? idk man, art, love, a better future?

in sum, pda is fun when it's creative. go outside. and take all of yourself. sing on the street. put on your headphones and dance.

the other day, i was walking and singing and a man walking beside me put his arm around my shoulders. he did a little jive, we laughed and then he went ahead. then he pulled out an orange and kept it in front of a shopkeeper and walked away. we all smiled at each other and had a great day after.