i love you btw

we’re getting a divorce, honey. & i’m sorry & all that bullshit, but we're here now, & this is my final act of love.

we love the same music for different reasons now. i am kind of bored by the person you've become. & you were going to start seeing it on my face. & i didn't want to do that to you- i tend to be kinder to strangers.

you seem to have figured how to keep yourself happy without me. & i know you know what they say about family. i’m sure you can keep it up. & i wish you well. & i wish that desire, like the dishes, gets done. & that someone has the crimes to pass the time & you never run out of drugs to try. & i hope that when it all comes crashing down, as it does, you find your holdings, your safety.

this last year, i named a fever after you. i bled a wound in your darkest colours. i believed you. & i think i still would. but in a low stakes way now. because i can never need you again, you know? i know that's what terrified you the most anyway lol.

in other news, i can't wait for the word ‘you’ to gradually disappear from my writing again. oh, how i’d romanticized us. You and me. You, God, the Grand Other, the Eternal Muse.

it was lovely to know You.

i’ll leave You with a new story as i go.

everything that made the words flow, as love letters, as art, was slipping away. & i could try to hold on harder but that would have only choked us both, so instead, i used You to find new words. to translate the language of a beating heart to a broken one. i lied to learn good faith. i spoke to leave bad faith. & i took the long way back from hell so i could keep my certainty.

& look at me, i’m a wild thing now, something worth waiting for. i have little to thank & every reason to love. my wonder follows the river & my skepticism squints at the stars. i sit with my chin on the ground & i watch the people go by. i sing the little songs i carry in my pocket. i heave a sigh & forget all the bad parts.