i hate you btw

you've left scars all over my tongue from the places i’ve bitten it. there's a tumor in my throat where the unsaid words are lodged. the air whistles out my lungs where you stubbed out your careless cigarettes. my spine folds under the weight of what i used to call love.

i tried to tell you i think i’m going crazy and you said that was a good thing. of course you would say that- all my madness was for you. i played my part so you could keep thinking my delusion was your finest magic trick.

fuck you. fuck your friends and the way they smile at me. i see the versions of the story you've told them because believing me would just be too much fucking work for you. it's in their eyes. is that pity or confusion? i can see my smile break theirs. they thought i was sad, that i lost you. & when they see me i watch them realise that you lost me. that you were preying on them for scraps of what you lost with me.

do they know the words are not yours? the love is not yours? that you could barely talk when i found you. that i pried you open, taught you to walk in the dark. do they know whose hands steadied you? do they know what you would have done without me?

now, i want to watch you throw up. i want you sick and curled in a ball. at my feet. baby, hadn't you heard? nobody comes to save you. nobody leaves to hurt you. it just happens. it's just gravity, it's just power. god, i fucking hate you.

you made me forgive to the point of christianity, detach to the point of hinduism, suffer to the point of islam. you turned all my faith to foolishness. you made me hate love, man. you made me hate hope & anything worth waiting for. you made me hate trying.

doubt is an awful thing. like a seed taking root, finding its footing in my slipperiest thoughts, it chipped away at all the connections between my knowings, fraying the edges of my nerves until i’m a shell of the person i used to be. you took all the best parts of me and stuffed yourself into a taxidermy cow and yearn to be an empty vessel again. of course you don't know what to do with my absence. but fuck your feelings for one fucking second man, can you fucking atone? how dare you keep me when you can't bear to look at me?

we built a temple and i’m tearing it down. i don't care if it means losing the one real thing i have ever had. i want a better brahmin at my altar. i want all the gods of my tribes, all the gods of my sea to sing without your hands on our throat. i’m tired of writing to you. of forcing myself to remain legible to you when you can't even bear to look at me.

do you remember what it was like to never look away?