but what if he marries somebody?

no mangalsutra noose for me thank you. no operation sindoor on this forehead. only a big fat serving of soul crushing fomo for the rest of my life. biting my tongue, congratulating all my friends who disappear into a two. dancing blind at their weddings, blacked out in a romanticised loneliness, mourning past loves, yearning for future loves, & forever caught in between.

‘he’ could be anyone here. the one i left, the one who left me, the one who keeps me around, the fuckboy, the boytoy, the best friend i always kept at arm’s length, the one i just can't afford to lose. whoever he is, this sword will hang above our heads to the end of time, threatening to fall between the loose wire strung between us: “but what if he marries somebody?”

if, if, if, it seems, who am i kidding, it's when, isn't it? god, fuck his heart, it's when.

when he marries somebody, i will find his mother at the wedding & cry into her lap. & obviously his wife will know. she will see it in my eyes. she'll be so fucking kind about it, it will break every bone in my body. but i will be her fiercest sister, i will protect her. & i will be the coolest fucking uncle their children will ever know.

but him, god, him, the idiot, how long will it be till he can look me in the eyes again? how long until i stop being a stranger? until i’m his family again?

& me. just why, god, why do i wait?

when he marries somebody, i will finally be free. but somehow, i will use that freedom to wait for him to remember me. to remember us. to come back so i can have proof that what we had was real. even without the rituals & the paperwork.

& eventually, many years later, when we’ll go get beers, we’ll catch up as if we couldn't have all this while. & he’ll say something & for a moment, i won't be able to look away from him. & he will look at me the way he used to. & before he realises what he's doing, he'll lean in to kiss me.

& i’ll let him.

god, i’ll let him. i wish i was better than that but i’m not. i wish i could do right by her but instead i’ll reach for his collar & pull him in closer. my lips spelling, “i told you so”, his mind gone, far away, all body, all blood, all skin, his hands firm & steady on me, like they used to be, like they still remember their way around.

& snap.

he'll pull away. i’ll collapse. maybe he'll say he's sorry. & i’d wonder if it was for kissing me or for not kissing me all those years. maybe his phone will ring. but maybe, just maybe, we’ll kiss again & pretend, just for one night, that we are young again.

& that would be it somehow. i wouldn't wait anymore. i would have processed it all by then & he would only just begin to. it would still break my heart to watch him look away too quickly. but we would be friends again. & that would be enough.