a free animal

the ticket to the zoo cost us 30 rupees. we are promised a curated, safe experience of the wild. fractions of the life we left behind/tore down/chased away, are neatly lined for us to witness & remember. except the lion is depressed.

& i cant help thinking how i’ve been cheated of 30 rupees. is a lion that’s depressed really a lion? the chemical composition is foreign, the homeostasis is fucked. is a lion without the meanings, behaviours, & desires of his habitat- any composition of cells worth any interest to me? is this experience capturing any truth of the world other than something that would only happen in a zoo? politically, this is an important question to answer for us. after all, we are depressed too. so i decided to pay 30 rupees & learn something about freedom instead.

the first free animal you find in a zoo is the human. the human who has worked a 9-5 to earn some money she could spend on an experience where she doesn’t get what she was promised, & only a pale imitation of it- somehow even less than a photograph or a painting that preserves the subjectivity of the wild in its aesthetics. her excited child runs ahead & laughs at the depressed animals calling them ‘lazy’. she wishes she was home, sleeping.

you want to assume, scientifically, that the closer the zoo gets to replicating the ‘natural’ habitat of the animal, the free-er it is. for a migrating bird, do you simply create the two or three conditions it rests at, or must we preserve the freedom of migration- the right to struggle? in all observation of life, intent is an assumption. if a predatory animal preys, they do it to sustain their life, or maybe to keep their bellies busy, or maybe for sport. & we are too mammalian for our own good- we feed. we assume sustenance is ultimate. but if we feed a predatory animal, do we take away an important attribute of the animal, ie, predation? is survival simply a survival of the metaphysical attribute of ‘life’ or must it refer to a wholistic set of properties so that the identity of the animal itself survives?

at this point you have zoned out & ignored the little life there is around you while attempting to define it, thinking about habitats & how maybe we are only complete if we are where our gene pools have evolved and then have the thought, ‘we are only free where we are and nowhere else’, so you snap out of it & look around.

there’s deer that seem significantly less like the lazy nomads & flightless birds, & suddenly your definition of depressed is how involved they seemed in their circumstances. the deer seemed unbothered by the contradictions of a zoo, examining grass, etc & your cousin notices it too. & you say ‘they don’t seem to mind their lack of freedom’ & she says, ‘well some animals are stupider than others’.

then you think about humans again. about how you hate capitalism & think it enslaves everyone to artificial desires, & makes alienated no-bodies. what happens when your prison is entertaining enough? you are forced to situate injustice outside the human, outside the deer. you know the story & so you are angry. you know someone bred/brought the deer here. but do you remember how in 8th grade you made peace with simulation theory & god thinking well either way this is your life & even if the outside of your life were something else it wouldn’t change your life? hm.

would it be fair to tell the deer what you know? does it matter?

but this is all you know.

this & a little more actually. you think again, in terms of markets this time because if you are in a cage you should learn it. why do zoos exist? how is this worth 30 rupees? you think again of the child who was excited, & the mother who was tired. there remains a little life around you, & it’s terrifying but you realise have seen yourself in all of it around you all this while. if you were the deer you’d want me to tell you the story. & hope it’s a story you liked. you would want to know what the simulation feeds & if your meaninglessness is worthwhile- your worthlessness meaningful. you would want to know why god imagines thus. why capital must flow & we must be alone?

until a story justifies it, this remains unjust, & you remain bound. the grass isn’t real & you are more lion than deer.

you look at a parrot across a cage. she seems alive & more involved. she sees your interest & climbs up to your eye level. makes a sound. cocks her head as you do. & you stare at each other. you’re telling each other a story. you find it hard to say bye to her as your cousin starts walking on. when you eventually leave you feel strange & empty. you miss her. & she misses the part of her you carry with you & write about. she wishes she could fly to you.